


It Would've Hurt Less If We Didn't Meet At All

by AvengTris



Category: K-pop, Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Popstar, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-24
Updated: 2015-07-24
Packaged: 2018-04-11 01:00:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4414928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AvengTris/pseuds/AvengTris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ciel is the leader of the K-pop group Black Butler. Despite the fact that they were five, completely different people, they got along. And then Ciel messed it up by falling in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Would've Hurt Less If We Didn't Meet At All

**Author's Note:**

> I had this idea...and while it IS based in the Kpop world, I am just uncomfortable with writing about real people. So I decided to use Black Butler since they could seriously be a band if they wanted to. WARNING: This does not have a happy ending and I am sorry about that. The title is from the song "Haru Haru" by BIGBANG.

**T** he airport was clogged with bodies. The usual loud hum of hundreds of conversations was replaced by screaming. Screaming and the shuddering sound of pictures being taken. Ciel pulled his beanie further over his bluish grey hair. It was dirty and unbrushed and not attractive. He had on sunglasses and a surgical mask to boot to hide his exhausted, pale face. He had been up for thirty-six hours with the rest of Black Butler, filming a new music video in Japan. Ciel had only been able to get half an hour of shuteye before being forced awake by Sebastian and getting dragged to the airport. They had to perform at some award show back in Korea. In truth, Ciel could really care less. He just wanted to sleep.

              And he was most definitely not in the mood to deal with Grell’s obnoxious behavior. Just watching him strut in his platform heels, with his long red coat and hair billowing behind him, through the airport caused stabbing pain in Ciel’s head. He wanted to hit the man. Alois didn’t help either with his stupid fucking pink outfit that made him look way too pretty. And he made matters worse by sticking his tongue out at the girl fans, which made them scream even louder than they already were. Ciel grabbed the sleeve of Claude’s shirt as the other man walked past him. When Claude turned his eyes on him, Ciel leaned forward and whispered, “Get control of your boyfriend, now.”

              “He is _not_ my boyfriend,” Claude snarled, though he somehow managed to make his face look…well not pleasant but not any different than usual.

              “You are fucking him though, right?” Ciel asked pleasantly.

              “Shut up,” Claude warned.

              “Than get him to behave,” Ciel said.

              Claude looked like he wanted to argue before turning away and walking up to Alois. Ciel wasn’t the oldest of the group, nor the most talented. But he was the leader. And the group obeyed him. Most of the time. They managed to squeeze outside to the waiting duo of black SUVs that would take the band to their hotel. Sebastian climbed in after Ciel. Grell opted to ride with the other two after seeing the glare that the leader sent his way. Once the car was moving away from the racket, Ciel relaxed in his seat and slid off his sunglasses and mask.

              Sebastian glanced at him, “You know, you’re lucky that you’re the leader. Or else Claude would’ve found some way to get rid of you already.”

              “I know,” Ciel felt stabbing pain in his chest, “I don’t care.”

              “Ciel,” Sebastian said lowly, “The fans are going to notice if you keep acting like this.”

              “Acting like what?” Ciel snapped, glaring at him. Daring him. Say it. Say how I’m acting. Because it’s your fucking fault.

              Sebastian stayed silent.

              Fucker.

              “Next time, ride with Claude and Alois,” Ciel snapped, turning towards the window.

 

It hadn’t always been like this. Back in 2011, when Black Butler debuted, they had been young, handsome, stylish, and fun. With just enough swag, and attitude (on Ciel’s part). Ciel was always aloof, too stoic, and bossy for his age. But he wasn’t so serious. He actually used to smile. No one expected the five boys to get along (and they didn’t really) but they somehow made it work. And then it all went to hell when Sebastian kissed Ciel in London in January of 2012. They had dated secretly for almost three years, until Ciel had walked in on Sebastian with Claude. With him. Ciel hadn’t even realized that he had been in love, he had just gotten used to the feeling of Sebastian always being there. And then there it was. Apparently it was just a one-time thing, which made it worse. What was the point of destroying the trust between two people to have sex with someone that you barely cared about?

              Ciel had ended right then and there. He had shoved his feelings behind a door and locked it. But bitterness still managed to leak underneath that door. And suddenly Black Butler was uncomfortable. It was uncomfortable recording, rehearsing, performing, and filming. The fans had slowly been noticing that there was tension. But it wasn’t a popular idea yet. Only their manager knew just how bad things were after a screaming match exploded during a recording session. Ciel had a feeling that this tour would be their last. And he found himself feeling empty at the thought. He had been in training since he was nine, had debuted at only fifteen. At twenty, he was now faced with a future that he couldn’t see. And he was going to be all alone.

              He’d never admit, but it fucking scared him.

 

Ciel shrugged into his velvet blue jacket. He double-checked the mirror. He had never gotten used to this look. Eyeliner marking his eyes, bluish grey hair shining with glitter, clothes that were too tight, too frilly for his tastes, and jewelry winking in the light. He wasn’t a fashion icon like Grell or Alois, but people did copy what he wore. Ciel sighed and leaned forward to grip the counter. Despite the fact that he had no privacy, despite the fact that it took way too much effort to be a kpop idol, he liked this life. The traveling, the performing, the fans. But…he couldn’t stand next to Sebastian. Couldn’t stand next to him and _not_ be with him. It was too painful.

              He sighed and pushed away from the counter, marching towards the door. He swung it open, only to give a very high pitched yelp as he found himself being forced backwards. The door slammed shut, and Ciel’s back smacked into the wall on the opposite side of the room. Sebastian had the front of his shirt balled in his fist. His lean, tall body was pressed against Ciel’s. His muscles were taut with tension. His reddish brown eyes burned into Ciel’s blue ones, “What William said isn’t true, right? This isn’t our last performance.”

              “I haven’t told the others, but yes,” Ciel looked away.

              Sebastian gripped his chin, _hard._ “Why would you do that?”

              “How’d you find out?” Ciel dodged the question.

              “Easy, William isn’t exactly quiet,” Sebastian’s grip on his chin tightened, “Why would you make this our last show?”

              Ciel closed his eyes to hide. “Because I can’t stand to look at you.”

              Silence.

              Tentatively, he opened his eyes. For the first time, Sebastian looked stunned. His eyes wide, his lips parted. He looked more beautiful than ever before. Ciel tried to close his eyes again, but Sebastian’s voice stopped him. “Don’t.”

              “Why not?” Ciel challenged.

              “Do you hate me?” Sebastian asked.

              “Yes,” Ciel answered bluntly. Sebastian’s hand shook against Ciel’s chest.

              “How many times can I apologize?” Sebastian asked.

              “You can apologize all you want,” Ciel whispered, “But you can’t take away what I saw.”

              “It didn’t mean anything,” Sebastian started.

              Ciel suddenly shoved against him, startling the older man, and forcing him backwards. Ciel launched against him, shoving him, hitting him. With each punch, he said, “Don’t - you - understand - that makes - everything - worse?!”

              Sebastian held on to Ciel, gripping his shoulders so hard that Ciel winced and tried to pull back. But he couldn’t get loose. Before he knew it, Sebastian’s lips were against his. The intensity of the kiss took Ciel’s breath away. It was rough, full of teeth, and hunger. Sebastian’s hand trailed down Ciel’s waist, gripping it, and the kiss smoothed out. It tasted of passion, of love, of guilt. Against his will, Ciel felt his eyes swell with tears. Tears that he had been holding back since he had first seen…it. They spilled and fell over his cheeks. Ciel pushed weakly against Sebastian’s chest. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe.

              The older man broke the kiss and leaned his forward against Ciel’s. The air around them was thick as they panted. Ciel’s entire body shook. His chest hurt, it hurt so badly. He felt like he was falling. Falling and breaking. He sucked in air through his teeth. He still loved this man. And this man loved him. But it didn’t matter. Because all Ciel could see was Sebastian’s lips against Claude’s. He closed his eyes, yanking backwards. He shook his head rapidly and pushed him away, “I can’t do this. I can’t. I can’t forget. I can forgive…but I can’t forget.”

              Sebastian stumbled away from him as if he had been hit. Ciel didn’t look at him, he didn’t want to see the heartbreak. Or else he might give in. And he just couldn’t handle the pain that would come with that. He instead, turned towards the mirror and straightened his clothes. He swallowed thickly, “Tonight is the last show. And that is final.”

              He turned on his heel and walked around him, avoiding looking at him. Ciel paused before opening the door, “I’m sorry. I wish I could forget. I would rather forget. But I can’t.”

              “What are you going to do, after this?” Sebastian asked softly.

              “I don’t know,” Ciel replied before walking out.

                  And as the door closed, the life Ciel had envisioned for himself disappeared. And he was alone in darkness. Darkness and heartache. He just hoped that there would be light at the end of the tunnel.


End file.
